Tiny Blue Chairs and Being Clean September 30, 2009

About 2 weeks ago, about when I was getting my 19th student, I asked the school administration for enough chairs to go with the number of students I had in my class. They ordered them and I was extremely excited to finally receive these chairs, thinking they would solve a problem or two I had in my classroom.

I got the chairs today. There are 6 and they are a good 4 inches shorter than the other chairs in my classroom and while they are appropriately sized for a small 3-year-old , they are MUCH too small to use at the tables in my classroom. I have had dolls in my past large enough to fill the likes of these chairs. And yet, I need to be thankful because administration granted my request and gave me something for these kids to sit on. It’s looking right now like I will either have to stack them in 2s to use them at the tables or they become the “time out” chairs. More likely the later. Thanks for that.

I recently got in trouble with my favorite kindergarten teacher about having the kids sit on the floor while they were waiting after going to the restroom. Apparently the floor is “unclean” and when the kids sit on the floor, they get “unclean” and when anyone touches the kids who have been sitting on the “unclean” floor they also become “unclean.” So, the solution to the problem became to use the two separate benches in the locker room part of the bathroom that are completely separated by lockers. A management nightmare, especially considering one of us has to be in the toilet area making sure the kids do their business and get their grubby little hands washed up. Yay.

I was talking with Alice (the assistant… come on, keep up!) today about what is considered “clean” and what is considered “unclean.” She said that if you sleep, eat, touch anything “dirty” or when you’ve got “lady stuff” going on, you are considered unclean and thus unfit to pray to Allah. (They also consider pigs, pork, and dogs to be unclean.)Which then means you have to do your washing (head, nose, mouth, hands, arms, feet) (they call it wubu) again and make yourself “clean” again. It made me sad to think that the god they worship cares more (or at least just as much) about the “cleanliness” of his people than he does about the actual person underneath the “uncleanliness.”

How thankful am I that I can go to God anytime I want and not have to worry that I’ve touched something that will make me unfit to worship. How thankful am I that I am completely clean in His sight, no matter what I happen to touch or what I happen to do that day. (Or even when things are beyond my control.) Just the thought of being able to do something they can’t do makes me want to do it all the more! It’s amazing I’m not praying all the time!

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It’s kinda fun to be able to do what they can’t. To be free in my religion where they are bound.

I ate pork for dinner tonight. It was yummy.

I’m also thankful for my time out chairs. I thanked God for them. I didn’t wash.

Make that 21 September 29, 2009

Yes, it happened. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten too excited when they said I would only have 20… (haha only 20!) I got my twenty first student today. He doesn’t speak English. Of course not. Why would he?

Well, today was crazy. The kids were wound up, I was sleepy (and running behind all day long) and my assistant was kinda out of it. Craziness and all, we went to the cafeteria for lunch. Everything went like normal- I opened everyone’s everything, I heated up lunches, I cleaned up spills and peanut buttery faces, no problem. We finally get up to go back to the classroom, I in front, my assistant in back. We get past the playground with a lot of difficulty and into the classroom where Alice the assistant says “Who are we missing?” I look around and can’t tell right away (it doesn’t help that I never have the same exact group of students everyday) and the kids again are crazy and I’m preoccupied trying to get everything to settle down and before I know it, my favorite kindergarten teacher is back with my new, lost student… and his mom. Thankfully, she covered for me, but then proceeded to chew me and my assistant out for loosing a student. (I suppose we deserved that.)

All I could think of is how Jesus said he would leave 99 behind to find the one who wandered off. I know he was talking about sheep and I’m no shepherd, but I do know that sheep are pretty dumb creatures. Probably similar (at best) to my little guys. (Not to say they’re dumb at all… just VERY young and with little knowledge.) Leaving my 18+ behind to find one would be ridiculous. It would be almost impossible… knowing how my munchkins are I can imagine that when I got back with Little Lost One the others would be climbing the walls all over the school. But still, that’s how Jesus treats us. That’s how he sees us. We are SO important to him he’d leave the rest to come get us out of whatever confusion or mess we’re in. It’s pretty amazing.

I need to be more like that.

Today I worked at home until much later than I should have. I HAVE to get organized. I HAVE to have a plan. Too much is up in the air. I have ideas but I haven’t followed them through… That’s gonna change this week.

Teachable Moments September 28, 2009

As a teacher, you’re constantly on the lookout for teachable moments. Times or places where the students can see what you’re talking about in real life. I had a couple today… one when we talked about the American flag (we’re learning that we live in the United States) and another when we were out on the playground looking at the fall leaves. It’s a neat thing for the kids to see that what happens inside is true outside too.

It made me think about God’s teachable moments. Times when He says “Hey, look at that. That’s what I was trying to tell you all along!” Sometimes it’ll be in the love of someone else that makes me think of how much more Jesus loves us. Sometimes it’ll be when I’m outside on a beautiful fall day that makes me think of how He created everything and saw that it was good.

It’s really neat to have your eyes opened again to things that you’ve learned before. I’m so glad it works that way and I’m not expected to understand everything RIGHT NOW. It’s easier to enjoy life.

Cute story from my day: During circle time, one of my little girls (who happens to be a favorite but I didn’t say that) just looked up at me and said

“Khala Megan?”

“Yes, Naima?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Naima.”

“Can I have a hug?”

It warmed my heart. Sometimes that’s all you need to remind you why you’re doing what you’re doing. And to keep you coming back tomorrow.

Sadness September 25, 2009

I had a great day today. The best I’ve had since I started this job. We only had 16 munchkins show up and  I started a new discipline plan with my 2-year-old, which worked miraculously.

Then I went to the school I classroom assisted in last year.

I saw a bunch of my kids from last year. I chatted with the teachers I assisted last year. I picked up a shirt I had dropped off to be decorated when I thought I was still going to work there. It hurt my heart to be in that building and not be a part of what was happening.

I missed everything about it… especially the people. I loved the teachers I worked with last year. They were so wonderful to work with and although that job could be frustrating at times when I was ready to have  a class of my own, I was appreciated and everyone (including myself) believed in what I could do and my abilities. Plus I could wear my own clothes. (I’ve been missing my clothes lately… work out clothes everyday sounds cool but after a month it’s old.)

It sucks to be so prepared for something, so ready, and then go into something completely different, using little to none of the skills you had prepared to use. It sucks to feel so un-used and over-used at the same time… I come home from work exhausted every day but my knowledge of how to teach a third grader is completely untouched. It just really sucks.

And so I’m sad.

I know I’m gonna keep working through all of it- I’m not someone who gives up. I just really miss teaching the kids I know how to teach. I really miss my people. I really miss knowing what I’m doing.

So here’s that verse again… it’s becoming my theme of this year.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4

Control September 24, 2009

I’m a control freak.

I know the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one, so there you go. I know there are some of you (those who know me well) who are reading this thinking “We know, Megan. We know.” But the point is that I know.

I realized I was a control freak today when I realized the source of my happiness the last few days. The other assistant (who was splitting her time between my classroom and the 4-year-olds) likes to take charge as well and is NOT afraid of making her opinions known. She always had something to say about whatever I was doing and while it was normally ok, it was still her trying to take charge of a classroom I was attempting to put my name and personal touch on.

Now, I have an assistant who doesn’t really know what she’s doing so acts as my third and fourth hand. I can ask her to do something and she’ll do it, no questions asked. Today she even told me that if I need her to do more to just tell her.

Well wasn’t that music to my little control freak ears. She wants me to tell her what to do. Awesome.

Or maybe less than awesome.

As a control freak, I sometimes have a hard time listening to other opinions and taking other ideas of how to do things into consideration. Not always, but sometimes. It’s not always the prettiest picture… I’ll hear an idea and proceed to do it MY way, which can’t be what God wants me to do or how he wants me to behave. I can only imagine if I had another job option this school year what I would have done… it would have been up to ME, not what God wanted. I would have chosen the easy path… the one more traveled by… and ended up learning a whole lot less and possibly be a part of less of a ministry. God knows me and knows what he’s doing. Which is why he put me in this position. It seems strange to say that considering how much it truly isn’t a job tailor made for me, but it’s true. I think that sometimes the only way to grow is to be stretched.

Which is what He’s doing with me.

SO maybe what I needed to realize was another weakness. Maybe the solution comes with the realization that being a control freak isn’t necessarily a good thing. Maybe (and just maybe) God knows better than me.

Ok, yeah, God knows better than me. Hallelujah.

SIDE NOTE FOR TEACHERS. AND MOMS…

What would you do with a child who will not sit down, will not do an activity, cries at the drop of a hat or at the giving of instructions, has at least 1 daily potty accident, and constantly redirects in attempt to get you distracted? (P.S. This is my special 2-year-old friend. Her mom has what she calls an “aggressive personality” and is the kindergarten teacher at the same school. She likes to come in my classroom a lot, too.) I’m stuck. And out of ideas. HELP!!!

20 puppies September 23, 2009

I got my 20th student today… and was promised NO MORE!!! I’m just thanking God she speaks English! And hoping all 20 don’t show up on the same day!

I am so happy to report that today was a good day! No major discipline issues, no melt-downs, no issues that didn’t have an almost immediate resolution.

It was so very nice for a change!

I think most of it had to do with the fact that I have my very own assistant who is capable of handling the kids, but who almost blindly follows my lead and direction. It sounds so harsh saying it that way- she does have opinions and thoughts of her own, but as she has ZERO experience with preschool, she is taking her job as assisting me as simply that- assisting me. It’s awesome. Our powers and the amazing Encyclopedia of Activities for 3-Year-Olds combined and we’ll knock this school year out.

Ok, maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

I do have my one 2-year-old to manage.

Not a day goes by when she doesn’t have an accident, cry over the directions I give, and go in for the hug right when I really need her to sit in her chair and do her work. She alone could give Alice (the assistant) a day’s worth of work. And tomorrow will be the same song and dance… tears and pee, running and refusing to sit and color. The similarities between her and a puppy are remarkably close.

God is probably laughing at me for the trouble I’m having keeping my patience with this one little girl who couldn’t weigh more than 30 lbs, knowing full well that I’m gonna need the fruit that comes from this later in my life. The truth is that as hard as it is to have patience with this little puppy/child, my walk will be strengthened by the difficulty. And as I grow, day by day, it will become easier, day by day.

I really hope the opposite isn’t true… as good of a day as it was it still wasn’t easy!

Assistance September 22, 2009

I met my assistant today.

PRAISE GOD  I got an assistant!

She is an interesting person with an interesting story… I look forward to learning more about her and getting to know her story better, but here’s what I learned about her today.

She grew up Christian in a Pentecostal church in the St. Louis area. Her father was VERY strict with his Christian beliefs and while I’m sure his motives were in the right place, his knowledge about how to relate them wasn’t. Growing up,(We’ll call her Alice- I have a feeling I’ll be referring to her quite a bit from now on) she had many arguments with her father on theological subjects such as Jesus being the Son of God that she didn’t understand. Because her father couldn’t give her a “rational” answer to her questions, she decided to look elsewhere as she got older. Alice began studying other world religions, including Islam, and found a religion that worked around her questions with Christianity in a “logical” way. Because Muslims don’t believe Jesus was the Son of God, the question of how Jesus could have been that was taken care of. Long story short, many Google searches and chat room conversations later, Alice converted to Islam. This was 6 weeks ago.

She has only told a couple people about her conversion, including her mother, who she said is alright with the choice her daughter has made. Her father passed away 3 years ago and, according to Alice, would not be at all pleased at the decision his daughter has made.

There are some loose ends of her story, including a husband (who she doesn’t seem to want to talk about at all) who converted to Islam a few months before she did.

Her story broke my heart. Here I am, a Christian in every sense of the word, talking to a girl who has been completely missed by my faith. Someone who some how got lost on the way and because of some of the difficult questions she had decided to go somewhere else to find what she was looking for. O how I wish I could sit her down and give her more logical answers to her questions… or at least direct her to a place that could. How I wish someone had been there to understand what she was going through.

Her story reminded me that what I’m doing and where I am is divinely important. That we are all called as Christians to be missionaries in our communities- where ever God has put us, no matter what our occupation. It is just that important.

I don’t know how God is going to work in me this year. I do know that there are too many hearts that need to hear the truth for me to sit back and watch this happen. I’m going to be a part of the change.

Rest for the weary September 17, 2009

No school until Tuesday due to the Muslim holiday Eid Mumbarak, (I’m moderately positive  I spelled that wrong.) the celebration of the end of Ramadan.

God is SO good.

It’s simply amazing how my need for a break and the Muslim holiday coincide so perfectly!

Watch what you say September 16, 2009

I stink at being a preschool teacher/Muslim missionary. I really do. I know you’re thinking something super kind like “O Megan, you don’t stink!” or “How could you think that?” but it’s the honest to God truth. I suck as a Christian influence in a place where being a Christian makes you an outcast. I suck at teaching 3-year-olds. I suck at cleaning up my room and sending mail. I suck at pretty much everything in my life right now. (Again, just stating facts here.)

Today shouldn’t have been a bad day. The kids weren’t particularly good or bad, which in reality is “good” in my classroom, I got a REALLY nice bonus from my Principal telling me I’m “Doing a good job,” and I met my to-be assistant who starts next week. (P.S. Everything I was hoping for in my new assistant are areas where she is not strong. Things like Arabic and Islam are new to her as she’s a brand new Muslim. Awesome.)

Why is it that just a few comments from my co-workers changed everything and made me feel so worthless? Why is it that the fact that the kindergarten teacher/mother of my worst student came in and got her daughter from my class (while I was trying to get her to sit down and not put herself in danger, by the way) ruined my day? Why is it that an “emergency meeting” of my early childhood colleagues to discus indirectly my shortcomings on the job ruined my day? Why is it that out of all the kind and encouraging words I got from my principal today, the sentence that stayed with me the longest was “There’s been some negative words…”? Never mind the second part of that sentence was “… but don’t pay any attention to them. You’re doing well.”

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”  – Proverbs 12:18

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.” – Proverbs 15:2

“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” – Proverbs 15:4

Words can hurt. No matter how they’re presented, no matter how they’re candy coated and wrapped up in “goodness” they still cut deep.  Especially when they’re wrapped in truth.

Should I have been hired for this job? Absolutely not.

Do I have the skills required for this job? Absolutely not.

Has God granted me the patience to be the best preschool teacher ever? Absolutely not. Yet.

Will God help me through this most difficult chapter of my life? ABSOLUTELY.

I’m guilty of using sharp words too. I use them more than I wish I did. Yet another reason I’m SO THANKFUL for forgiveness.

No matter what THEY may say, think, or tell their families about me, I will overcome this hurdle. It will suck. It will be the most demanding, difficult, impossible thing I will EVER do, but I’m gonna make it through.

But the jury’s still out if I’ll be a teacher after this year is over.

P.S. I bought an “Encyclopedia of Activities for 3-year-olds” today. It’s 640 pages. If that doesn’t help me with ideas, I don’t know what will!

Over it all, put on love September 15, 2009

I tend to be a mean teacher. It’s not that I try, I think it just comes to the fact that I’m not used to the super little ones and my patience runs thin on an almost daily basis. The point is, though, that on the “kindness” scale, as a teacher, I tend to be more on the mean side of things.

Not cool.

I REALLY hate that about myself right now. It isn’t the way I want to be perceived, it isn’t the way I want to treat my kiddos, and it isn’t they way I should be showing the love of Christ to this Muslim community.

I called myself out on that today… and was reminded (as God does sometimes) of the verse that says

“… And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”     -Colossians 3:14

It just reminded me of how I SHOULD be not only with my little ones, but also in general as a person. EVERYTHING I DO should be out of love. Done with love. Done for the love of God who IS LOVE.

It changed my tune today. I put on love in everything I did. I disciplined differently. I lead the class differently. I spoke differently. (Never mind that most of my morning was in a whisper because these nasty little guys have managed to get Khala Megan sick.) Everything about ME changed. And it was awesome to see how my class changed with me. I definitely still had some SERIOUS discipline issues. I still had the little ones who just for the life of them WILL NOT do what they’re told. But I noticed a difference in the way they were with me and with each other. In just one day. Imagine the impact I could have if that became my regular operating procedure.

I feel kinda dumb just learning this lesson now. I mean, I wouldn’t have considered myself a mean person before. BUT, God has ways of teaching us lessons we didn’t know we needed to learn and using our calling to do it.

So every morning, when I put on my abaya (or jilbab, whichever you like the best) and hijab, I will be putting on love. I hate that I haven’t before, but I can’t wait to see what impact it will have now that I’m doing it on purpose.